Conversations with Coffee

promoting open conversations

  • Unmasking yourself: allowing yourself to be awkward, brave and to take control of negative feelings.

    Through this week, I have been intrigued and touched by the topic of ‘masking’. Dr Hannah Blecher (2022) describes masking as: “…to hide or disguise parts of oneself in order to better fit in with those around you. It is an unconscious strategy all humans develop whilst growing up in order to connect with those around us.”

    Whilst often spoken about in relation to Autism, it really is relevant to everyone…

    Masking can lead to burnout, by trying to be who we think we need to / should be for so long, that we lose sight of ourselves, our goals and what is important to us, we turn off to or become numb to our emotions, our instincts, to a point that we can become incapable or fearful of recognising them. Masking can have an important function, like wearing our ‘professional’ mask (or ‘hat’) in a business meeting or our ‘parent’ mask to our kids, but to consciously unmask is also necessary, healthy and freeing…to be able to say to ourselves, or someone we trust that we are struggling, scared or anxious opens the opportunity to free that feeling and to take ownership of it – rather than letting our negative feelings control us, we can begin to control them.  

    Masking can also lead to feelings of guilt and shame; *if I seem ok, I must be ok, right? *if anyone realises I am struggling even though I seem ok, will they think I am lying?  *What if people don’t like who I ‘really’ am?

    The children’s book, ‘perfectly Norman’ by Tom Percival is a powerful example of the beauty of unmasking… The young boy in the book, Norman, grows a pair of wings, he knows this is different, he doesn’t want to be different, he just wants to fit in… He decides to hide the wings under a big coat, this takes great effort, it also makes him really uncomfortable and incapable of doing some of the things he loves… until one day, he realises the wings are not the problem – the coat is!

    So I invite you all, to be brave and take your coat off every now and then, and to spread your wings and appreciate their beauty. Not only are you are beautiful under that coat – you will also help others to see their beauty, their worth by seeing your ‘wings’, your differences, your vulnerabilities they will begin to be less fearful of sharing their own.

    A line from the new Antman film (2023) feels really relevant here; “It’s never too late to stop being a d**k!” it made me smile as it quite bluntly reinforces that its never too late to change… denying our real feelings leads to fear, shame and anger, by instead embracing – by ‘unmasking’ them, we can become a better version of ourselves, better in business, in parenting, in life – and we can encourage others to do the same…

  • Hospitals and the impact of a small act of kindness…

    Following an accident…

    Ok, so, as a result of my poor boy smashing into a rope, clotheslining himself, wounding his mouth and then developing an infection accompanied with suspected appendicitis (he is recovering well now)… I have visited various hospital cafes and have some interesting experiences to share!

    I was at Kate Thompsons book release for The Stepney Doorstep Society – a story of women’s fight and survival in the East End of London during WWII, when one of the amazing ladies, a ‘real-life’ character from the book, referred to an Elenaor Roosevelt quote: “A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

    I feel this is so relevant and could be transferred to say ‘parents are like teabags…’ as never are we stronger and more vulnerable than when our kids are sick.

    The acts of kindness I/we received from others had such a powerful impact, like the lovely lady who brought me a cup of tea, after 8 hours in a&e and a terrible nights sleep on the children’s ward, well…I almost hugged her! Some parents from the ward overheard that my son was struggling to eat (due to injury in his mouth) and they presented us with chocolate moose and a nesquik milkshake – which turned out to be the first thing he would ‘eat’ in almost 3 full days… the lady in the coffee shop of one hospital gave my daughter a juice free of charge when we walked in for a juice not realising it was closed.. it might have been ‘just a juice’ but let me tell you… to her, after seeing her brother badly injured and her parents in shock, it meant the world.

    I can’t help referring again to the work of Brené Brown whose work in this instance shows that vulnerability “appears to also be the birthplace of belonging, of love…”

    Never underestimate the powerful impact of a small act of kindness…you do not always know when someone is feeling vulnerable and I can say it makes a huge difference when you are… thank-you, so, so, so much…

    ,

  • Mad Hatters Tea Party

    …and some initial feedback

    Forget Peter Pan tea at the Shard and One Aldwych’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tea – my mums very own Alice in Wonderland tea gave them a run for their money! Making the effort to theme a tea at home really did tap into that inner child of ours!

    At this small gathering of family and friends, I learnt some things…..

    1. Saying that you will ‘watch Netflix and chill’, does not mean you’re going to relax and watch TV…is it really just me that didn’t know that?
    2. Adults really are just big kids, we like games, winning and praise as much as any 10 year old.
    3. Close family and friends will always give you the harshest feedback!

    So, their initial feedback to my blog: “Wot do you wanna do that for?” “I don’t get it!”, “It was too long, I lost interest!” “It sounds clever, not like you at all!” “You should call it how the other half live.” “You look really miserable in your photo!” 😊

    Defying odds and reason, I’m back!

    Going forward I will include ‘overheard in Costa / a coffee shop’, for which I have some golden nuggets(!) and I will continue to share my ‘coffee’ and ‘people’ experiences…. such as this week, when trying to help an elderly, hard of hearing man in Costa, I thought I’d pay for his order and said to him that I’d bring it over…. only I brought an order over that wasn’t his….. try explaining that to the person who thought they’d bagged the last mac and cheese on the shelf…. eek!

  • Conversations with Coffee

    First blog post!

    So… for various reasons, including being lucky enough not to have a ‘real’ job and the fact that if I stayed at home I’d have a breakdown – again (!) – I spend a lot, a LOT, of time in coffee shops, cafés and restaurants, making a point to visit a new one at least once a week, and honestly the things I witness in these places is a mix from laugh out loud funny to inspiring to sad to utterly frustrating. These ongoing experiences with, what my children would refer to as “the public” and my curiosity in human relationships and connection has in part led me to this post.

    Ok, so I’m reading Colleen Hoovers ‘It Ends with Us” and one of her characters has a phrase regarding “naked truths” and so here’s mine… I was moved by the news of the young Beth Matthews who took her own life and upon reading her blog, I was reminded of Brene Brown’s TED talk and Netflix show, ‘The Call to Courage’ and for me the two intertwine. Beth whole heartedly ‘exposed’ her whole self in her blog, which ultimately led to powerful human connection. Brown’s most famous work and quotes relate to courage and vulnerability, that when we have the courage to be vulnerable, we can gain human connection – like Beth!

    “When we are willing to risk venturing into the wilderness, and even becoming our own wilderness, we feel the deepest connection to our true self and to what matters the most.”

    So, here it goes, I have a degree, a post graduate diploma, a teaching qualification, I am a parent of two, married to the most patient husband with an incredibly quirky and passionate family – and, I have complex mental health problems, am almost certainly Autistic, have a slight obsession with drinking and eating out, a love of reading and a complete fascination with people. To the people I love, to Beth and Brene, to you, the reader, here I am… I’d like to bring to you some of my genuine experiences, to share my curiosity of people, to connect with people and hopefully make a few people smile along the way.

    Coffee shops are in particular interesting, because of the mix of people here, I sit next to a small group of I believe retired men, and my husband informs me an ex-presenter of Arsenal TV talking about “West ‘am” and their “f**kin’ late-est performance, ‘no wot I mean?!” “Unbelievable mate ‘innit” and “If Spurs win ain’t it good for us?!”, opposite a man sitting alone doing a crossword, who I can’t decide if might like a chat and some company or is actually enjoying a moment of peace, across from a slightly pi**ed off barista experiencing a customer complaining their cappuccino “isn’t like I usually have it” for the 3rd time, two people covered in paint and a lady in her pyjamas. In coffee shops alone over the last year, I have witnessed ‘confessions’, long over-due family/friend meet-ups, gossiping, mums groups, business meetings, interviews, people sharing their new diagnoses with their loved ones, individuals ‘coming out’ and even a proposal, I interact with societies ‘peripheral’ like a local lady, Isabella, who sells the big issue in the high street, some fellow coffee shop regulars and maybe the man opposite doing the crossword… so I have quite a bit to share, if you would like to return please do 😊